HNT #?

My camera's battery died just as I was going to attempt a more creative HNT shot. Had a concept that was only a little bit racy. In lieu of that, I thought this picture might provide a racy thought or two for the more imaginative viewer. After all, it is one of my flowers.

It just keeps coming

Let's count. In 2007 I've experienced 3 deaths; my aunt, my wife's grandmother, and my father. Last week we were warned that my wife might have ovarian cancer. Monster fear factor sets in. I really felt sorry for her. But I don't think I dealt with it very well either. One of the tests that finally came in yesterday gave us some reason for hope and we now feel like we can move forward again. Other tests still coming.

Making Progress

And how am I progressing toward limiting the use of alcohol in my life and bringing together the parts of me that have fallen behind? I'm getting there. The death of my father brought the drinking back into my life and for a couple of weeks it was starting to become as serious as it was before. Then, thank goodness, I have been able to start limiting the amount. I do feel better as a result. The death of my father has also given me a new perspective on what's important. Am now exercising every evening, even if it's just a 20 minute walk after dinner. Am back to reading books on religious/spiritual topics. Am talking to a psychologist about bringing together my physical, mental, and spiritual realms. As a result, I am beginning to feel the extremes coming together. The past person who was driving for that ever more prestigious position at work is coming closer to the person who loves family, friends, the arts, and spirituality. This is really starting to feel good! I'm beginning to hope, even think, that I can be whole again.

HNT

It may not be me, but I think it looks a little better than I do this morning. Although, maybe next week I'll post something a little racier. Thought of a shot that might be fun.

TMI Tuesday 8/14/07

1. Define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship. Have you ever been guilty of infidelity? Have you ever been the victim of infidelity? Have you ever been a participant in someone else's infidelity?

Infidelity = allowing your heart and/or body to wander away from the relationship you are, supposedly, committed to. I have been guilty of infidelity at times when the primary relationship was going through hard times. I am not proud. I have been the victim of infidelity several times. It always leaves me with mixed feelings. Yes, I have participated in someone else's infidelity. One of those times is worth exposing here. I started seeing this woman regularly. We met once a week, usually on Wednesday evening. I didn't think much of that at the time until one Wednesday she told me she couldn't meet me the next Wednesday but would be able to the week after. She was going on her honeymoon and while she would be gone the next week, she would be back in time for the following week.

2. What is the last thing you stole?

Stealing is something I do not do. Just recently I was at a shoe store and was all the way out to the parking lot before I realized that I had a box of shoes in my hand. Went right back and turned them in.

3. Name on place in your country that you have never been but would like to visit and why.

I've never been to Alaska and would love to explore the coastline. The stark beauty of it as shown in pictures is a strong pull.

4. When movies can you watch over and over again?

I confess, most James Bond movies, the Mask of Zorro, etc.

5. Who is the last person you saw naked?

My wife.

Bonus (as in optional): In honor of the 237 reasons we have sex study. Tell us at least five but not more than ten reason you have had sex.

I was horny.
She was beautiful and sexy.
I was in love.
I was horny.
Cuddling just led to sex.
Wanted to make a baby.
I was horny.
It was a fantasy come true.
It was a challenge.

Absence

I've been gone for awhile. My father died. I received the call one morning that if I wanted to see him alive I had to run, drive, fly as soon as I could. Made it in time to tell him the things I needed to say. He died that night.

It's been harder than I thought it would be. We had a complex relationship. I'm not sure we could have ever found agreement on many things. It's probably just good that, at the end, we both knew we loved each other and that I had only positive thoughts about him.

I cried. More often than I have in all my previous years of life. I'll miss him. I'll look forward to seeing him, if, hopefully, I end up where he did.

TMI Tuesday #5

I guess I need these questions to force myself to reveal things, to post on a regular basis, or something. I keep being drawn to them even if they aren't exciting to me.

1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?

Oh, definitely more heart. That's been my theme for the entire past year, allowing myself to feel, to love, to connect with other people.

2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for?

Twenty five years ago. DUI and slugging the cop who pulled me over.

3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do?

????

4 Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation?

I've had summer flings, but not necessarily while on vacation. They just happened to occur during the summer.

5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew?

Yes. Weddings have always been great opportunities to go out back with somebody for a little anonymous messing around. Weddings just get people going. One wedding stands out. One of my sisters got married and held the reception at a golf club. The putting green near the reception hall was so smooth and soft. The young woman that I was with on that putting green must have been a friend of my sister, or maybe the groom, or maybe she was the sister of the groom. I don't know.

Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart?

I haven't the foggiest idea.

Father

My father is dying. I called yesterday to wish him Happy Father's Day. He couldn't even finish the conversation. My mother had to take the phone out of his hands. My father and I have had a difficult relationship over the years. In a way I'm surprised that I feel the imminent loss so intensely. I've already cried three times this morning. That's three more times than I've cried in the past 30 years. On the other hand, I'm not surprised. While the relationship has been difficult, it has had moments of great intensity. Feelings have run high. I need to visit with him at least one more time.

New Boss

Had an interview yesterday with the guy who is likely to be my new boss come August. That's why I drank too much last night. I feel extremely uncomfortable with the prospect. He knows just enough about what I do to be truly dangerous. He's had a couple of successes and thinks he knows everything about my field. He is so wrong. I've been doing this for 20 years. I don't need a fucking ignorant asshole telling me what to do!!

TMI Tuesday #4 (for me)

1. What is the meanest thing you've ever done/said to a lover/loved one?

"I don't want to be with you any more."

2. Have you ever had sex on an elevator?

YES! We were in one of those elevators that goes up the outside of the building and is made almost totally of windows so that you can look out at the city below. It was night so we could see all of the city lights. We punched the stop button between the 82nd and 83rd floors. She grabbed the railing and bent over. Her denim skirt lifted easily. She had no underwear. The sex was sweet.

3. Have you ever lied about a rash and said it was a birthmark? OR Have you ever lied about a birthmark and said it was a rash?

No.

4. Have you ever had sex on a beach or in the water at a beach/pool?

YES! Both. Santa Barbara, CA during a plankton bloom. As we dove into the ocean, naked, the water sparkled bluish-purple around us. Then we discovered that if we caressed each other, the water on our bodies glowed. We did a lot of glowing after that.

I have a swimming pool and it has seen a fair amount of sexual activity.

5. How old are you? How old do you feel?

I'm 57. I feel 40. I think it's the martial arts that is helping.

6. Have you or your partner been injured so badly during sex that you/they had to go to the hospital?

NO.

7. Have you been to a strip club or "titty bar"? (Hooters does NOT count.) If so, did you get a lap dance?

I confess. I love lap dances.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had a "blog crush" (i.e., a crush on someone, of whatever gender, that you haven't met in person but only know through their blog)? Who? (Link, please, if you dare!)

I have one right now. But she's married. So am I. It will forever remain a crush. Do you hear me Jeannie?

Disoriented

Still drinking. Not as much. But, still drinking too much. Am feeling disoriented, like I have lost my way. I have goals and things to do, but can't seem to get focused on them enough to make them happen. Little things frustrate me. Must focus on the good stuff. And there is plenty of good stuff. If this post seems disoriented and scattered I have adequately expressed myself.

Flowers

Taking pictures of flowers continues to be cathartic and healing. Capturing their beauty and uniqueness is relaxing and rewarding. I enjoy being able to carry them around with me instead of being stuck where they bloom. And sometimes, isolating them from their background can be good. They don't always bloom in the nicest of places.

TMI Tuesday #3

1. Should guys wear pink?

It's not so much "should" guys wear pink. I just think they should feel ok about wearing pink. I've seen some guys who look really good in pink. Hell, I've worn pink and have not felt any less masculine.

2. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?

Depends on what I'm kissing. No really, I can kiss with eyes open or closed. Both have their advantages. There are times when I really want to see what/who I'm kissing and there are times when I just want to get into the "feel" of the act.

3. What is the first "non-physical" feature you tend to notice about a person you find attractive?

Definitely their intelligence and sense of humor. Hopefully both are present in ample amounts.

4. Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Duh.

5. Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?

YES!

Bonus (as in optional): If you could say anything you wanted anonymously to anyone, without identifying that person, what would you say?

This truly depends on the person. There are those that I have wanted to excoriate for a long time and would love the chance.

Then there are those about whom I've had some pretty graphic fantasies about what I would like to enjoy doing with them. Would it surprise you to know that these are sexual in nature? And again, I would love the chance to express my desires. Dare I even wish that they might share those desires and we could, like, wander off and....

CRAP!!

I feel like crap! As part of my campaign to escape depression, I've been cutting back on alcohol consumption. However, my mind and body have caught on and have rebelled. "NO YOU DON"T!!" they say, "We'll get you back on the bottle!" And all of a sudden I've drinking like a crazy man. And I wake up in the morning feeling like it too!! This just plain sucks. I'm beginning to think I might just have to quit drinking all together for awhile.

I can only hope that seeking a healthier lifestyle will be good in the end.

TMI Tuesday #3

1. When you orgasm, do you hold your breath?

NO. In fact I groan quite loudly. There is no doubt when I have an orgasm.

2. Have you ever had sex or played around with a celebrity?

All I've had is some wonderful fantasies involving a celebrity. Yes, wonderful fantasies. However, I can't imagine that the sex would be any better just because they're celebrities. I've had the fantasies because they seem to be a type of person I could really get along with.

3. Do you think prostitution should be legal? Why or why not?

Prostitution should definitely be legal. I don't even understand why it became illegal in the first place. It simply satisfies a basic need. And with legal status, health issues would be better taken care of. The women would, hopefully, be respected as productive members of the community. I confess, I've been to one of the legal houses in Nevada. It was a wonderful evening. The woman I was with was working her way through veterinary school. Good conversation, good sex.

4. How do you masturbate? Do you romance yourself? Get straight to the point? Read erotic material?

Fantasies are the primary stimulant for masturbatory arousal. My greatest pleasure (pardon pun) is to do it slowly. I read about lingam massage a couple of years ago and decided I'd try it on myself. Intense! Caresses just light enough and varied enough to maintain erection for around an hour or so, and then finish. By that point, the orgasm is truly powerful. Unfortunately, time is often an issue and a quick one in the shower is what I get.

5. Which gives you the most pleasure - intercourse, masturbating for/with your partner, being masturbated by your partner.

As much fun as masturbating is, intercourse definitely gives more pleasure, especially if I get to spend some time giving her orgasms from oral sex first. I get the smell and taste of her in my head and that is so arousing. I can't get enough of it! And I can still smell her when I'm inside of her and feel her soft wetness caressing my hardness.

Children do interfere with the opportunities to do this, however.

Oh, and I also love it when she jumps in the shower and masturbates me to conclusion on her tummy.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had a crush on a relative?

Yes, I had a crush on my cousin when I was around sixteen years old. I used to feel guilty about it, but have since gotten over it. After all, I was only sixteen and crushes came easily.

We were all visiting at my aunt's house and that night I was standing out in the backyard enjoying the moon and stars which I often do just before going to bed. My cousin turned on the light in her bedroom and neglected to close the curtains. She had small but wonderfully shaped breasts and I couldn't stop thinking about them for days. I've sometimes wondered if she could sense what I was thinking about doing to her breasts and other spots.

If it didn't happen this way with the window and all, I doubt I would have thought about doing anything with her. She was very attractive!

HNT #2 Just Another View

What the heck, here's a view of the front of my legs. Didn't go quite as high this time. Maybe next time I'll get braver.

UP at 5AM

CRAP!!!! I'm up at 5 AM. Just what am I supposed to do when I'm up at 5 AM? I know, I'll post something!! Do a word association.

You say.... I say....

1. Film ::  camera


2. Dragon :: phoenix


3. Hunger ::  starve


4. Plucked ::  naked


5. Dissolving ::  pill


6. Executive ::  stress


7. Ridiculous::  funny


8. Mist ::  spray


9. Minority :: majority


10. Map ::  place

Now what the hell does that mean?

It does express how I view executive positions. Just a bunch of stress that I don't need.

I love maps. They do indeed give me a sense of place.

Whenever I see the word plucked I see the chickens I've cleaned for eating. They look pitiful. Hell, chickens are pitiful. But they taste good and so do their eggs. But stupid, oh my, they are so fucking stupid.

I do like mythological creatures like dragons and the phoenix. They have so much potential for bringing magic into my life.

I find myself extremely frustrated this morning. It's not just because I'm up at 5 AM. Being up at 5 AM is a symptom of being extremely frustrated. I'm getting a new boss at work and absolutely NONE of the candidates look like someone I'd like to work for. I have ZERO respect for the ones I've seen so far. And googling on the remaining ones has revealed some interesting "irregularities". I can't take working for idiots. I'm afraid I might have to if I stay where I am. It's time to start scanning the horizon for other opportunities. I really did not want to move at this point in my life, however.

TMI Tuesday #2

1. Have you ever used foods in your sexual activities (ie; whipped cream, syrup, popsicles) and how did you use them?

The predictable banana split using my erection as the banana. Banana split using her clitoris as the banana. The predictable cucumber used as, well, you know. Whipped cream just squirted on all the naughty bits. Then there's wine, preferably red, that gets licked off as it is poured. Can't get any of that on the sheets. Got kind of drunk licking one certain spot. Champagne. Hmmmmm, nice.

2. If your SO asked you to get them off using only your toes - would you do it and how?

I have massaged my SO's special spot with my toes. When I finally caught her clitoris between my first and second toe she went off like a rocket. Wow!

And then there's the times when eating out at a nice restaurant. That's gone both ways. I sometimes find my foot creaping up her leg and thigh to slowly explore under her skirt, eventually finding her wetness. Or she slowly slides her foot up my pants to press oh so firmly against my hardness, caressing it.

3. Would you ever participate in an orgy? Have you?

I have not. I WANT TO!!!!!!!

4. What can a lover do to turn you on instantly?

Bend over the kitchen counter and wiggle butt, especially if she's wearing a skirt or dress. I really like it when she bends over.

5. Describe your favorite piece of lingerie or undergarments on yourself or your mate. (PICS PLEASE!!!)

Commando please. But I did once wear fishnet briefs while having an erection and she responded. She RESPONDED! Man that felt good.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best orgasm you've ever had. ;)

I don't know how she did it, but she must have been doing her Kegel exercises. I had just orgasmed and was starting to let down when she started massaging my penis with her vagina and I came AGAIN. Approximately 10 seconds between orgasms and the second one was INTENSE!! She laughed. She did it deliberately. Please, someone, do it again.

My First HNT and maybe my last

Thought I'd try this at least once. The camera angle makes my calves look proportionately bigger than they are. But, over all, I think not bad for a 57 year old male.

Depression

That's a depressing thought, writing about depression. In recent conversation it has been discussed that depression may be because of what you think or perceive rather than what has happened to you. There are many events in life that you cannot control. You cannot control a bad boss. You cannot control the weather. You cannot control a spouse who abuses you. What will determine how you "feel" about various incidents is not due to the inherent badness of the situation, but how you react.

Example: if your boss fires you, and you think that it's because you've been a bad employee, then you are ripe for depression. You go home, mope, because you're BAD. You don't like yourself very much. You might then drink alcohol to feel better. Drinking alcohol makes you feel momentarily better, but then you can begin to feel guilty for drinking too much, and the cycle is off and running. Depression here I come.

On the other hand, if your boss fires you and you think, "that guy's an asshole and doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, it's certainly not me, I've given him the best years of my life!" You'll probably walk out of there angry and determined to find something even better. You may even be proud of yourself.

Simplistic, but it does make a lot of sense. I am beginning to think that I can "think" my way out of and away from depression.

TMI Tuesday #1

1. What sight, sound, smell, object or whatever most reminds you of a special someone?

Smell is very powerful for me. The only time I can smell her is when I'm close to her. Or her bath towel. Or, a discarded blouse. Her smell is both comforting and arousing. Without her smell next to me at night I have a difficult time getting to sleep.

2. Favourite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?

Inside of the thighs is my favorite part. That part of a person's legs is always the softest and smoothest, and warm. It's a part that holds such promise because it is so close. My love of this spot probably goes back to the first time a girl let me slide my hand under her skirt. I remember hitting the upper, inside part of her thighs and just stopping because the texture changed so abruptly. I love kissing this part, letting my lips enjoy the smoothness, anticipating the next move.

3. Do you prefer to give or receive?

I prefer to give. It arouses me to give someone else an orgasm. The more the better. Then, I can receive freely.

4. One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?

I've always stayed the night. Sometimes awkward in the morning, sometimes not, sometimes good.

5. What is the strangest place you've had sex?

This one is difficult. Could it be in that all window elevator on the outside of the building stuck between the 72 and 73 floors at night? Could it be the sand dunes near Lake Michigan in the middle of the afternoon? Could it be standing up in the hallway around the corner from the kitchen where her Baptist Minister Father was eating breakfast? Yes, definitely the last one.

BONUS: I lost my virginity on an old mattress up in the attic.

Sometimes I really have to wonder why I'm depressed. When I think back to some of the things I've done and the people I've known, I've lived a pretty rich life. It's been full of adventure, love, and passion. Ah, there's the key perhaps. I've left much of that behind instead of keeping it going NOW.

Would You Want This In Your Backyard?

Found this flower in my backyard. Interesting! I thought it properly reflected my mood this morning so am sharing it with anyone who stops by. It just looks so perky. And, maybe my depression is waning, at least temporarily. "Cuz I really did feel kind of "perky" this morning too.

And now for this week's free association. Saw my psychologist earlier, interesting conversation. Doing a free association here seems consistent with that visit.

You say... and I say...

1. Tumor :: Don't have


2. Bunch :: a lot


3. Gratitude :: thanks


4. Feel alive :: Yes!


5. Connect :: Sex and spirituality (they go together)


6. Temptation :: Bring it on


7. Brighten:: Sun


8. Jewelry :: Sparkle


9. Tough :: Hard


10. Harmless :: Good

Let the psychologists out there have fun. I seem to be feeling optimistic.

Fiftieth Year

The fiftieth year of our life is like
the last hour of dusk,
when the sun has set and one turns
naturally toward reflection.
In my case, however, dusk incites me to sin,
and perhaps for that reason,
in my fiftieth year I find myself reflecting
on my relationship
with food and eroticism; the weaknesses
of the flesh that most tempt
me are not, alas,
those I have practised most.

from Aphrodite by Isabel Allende

This poem really strikes a chord in me. I first read it in my fiftieth year. It still makes me think of all those lost opportunities, the chances to love someone left behind because of work or other pressures, the fast food when I could have sat down and truly enjoyed the good stuff. But then, I'm a long way from being done. Surely eroticism and food, the two most sensual things available to enjoy, can still play a large role in my life. Yes, there is something to look forward to. I love to cook, grill, smoke producing truly delicious stuff that makes everyone want to visit my home. I have not hugged my wife enough, but that will change.

Please pardon (or enjoy) my fantasy

My eyes are closed. I feel soft hands grasp my erect cock and hot breath close to its head. Then a tentative tongue links lightly down and up the shaft. Wet lips meet at the tip of the head and push slowly down, separating as my cock enters a warm mouth. Once the head is fully inside, the mouth pauses, but a tongue now swirls around my cockhead, and then starts concentrating on the spot just underneath. I feel my moan more than I hear it. The mouth starts moving again while the tongue continues to caress the bottom of my shaft and the head starts to rake across the roof of the mouth. When I hit the back, the mouth reverses and slowly pulls away, lips and tongue firmly caressing my cock until the ridge of my cockhead pops out of the mouth. The mouth starts to rock back and forth just popping the ridge in and out with the tongue making contact on the "in", all of it causing amazing pleasure. Then suddenly I am taken completely inside with a shock of sensation. Working steadily now, the mouth, lips and tongue work in orchestration with each other as my cock moves in and out, in and out. The pleasure builds and builds. I can feel my balls lift and my cock hardening almost painfully. I can feel muscles starting to clench. The mouth pulls back until just the head is inside and applies powerful suction with the tongue dancing on my opening. I SQUIRT! The mouths sucks and swallows. I SQUIRT! Suck and swallow. I Squirt. suck and swallow. i squirt swallow

Cute pink colon

I survived the colonoscopy. The night before was nasty. Had to make myself perfectly clean for the nice doctor with the fiber optic cable. Then, the next morning,I saw the cable. It was thicker than I expected and LONG. They used GOOD drugs. I don't remember a thing. The nurse with the needle said "hello" and then a different nurse said "hello" only we were in a different room. The pictures tell the tale, however! There, in color, is the interior of my colon, all smooth and pink and clean with nice rounded curves. Clean bill of health too! There is just a little bit of irritation around my asshole. Don't know if it feels like it was "the next morning". Haven't had that pleasure.

Questions Questions

1. Ideal amount of sex per week?
As often as I can get it up, which is actually pretty reasonable.

2. Ever had an online affair?
No, but I'm not attracted to it. Can't smell, touch, etc.

3. Are you a member of the mile high club?
No, but came close once on a 14 hour flight from hell with the exception of the cute asian girl I met and was making out with. It sort of reminds me of doing it in the car when I was a teenager.

4. Are you prejudiced against any particular group of people?
Prejudiced is too strong, but I do have preconceptions until I get to know someone.

5. What constitutes bad sex?
See below in the post titled "Victim?" One of these days I'm going to rant about that one.

Bonus (as in optional): Can females ejaculate?
Females can squirt during orgasm, but it is not technically ejaculation. The fluid is from the bulbourethral gland that gets squeezed out when all those muscles down there contract during orgasm. If the gland is full and the muscular contractions are sudden and strong, it can actually squirt.

Colonoscopy

One of the bummer things about getting older is that you have to start thinking about things like colon cancer. So here I am today, suffering through a clear liquid diet for the entire 24 hours prior to the main event. Can't eat anything! I'm drinking chicken broth, gatorade, plain water, strained fruit juice. Not much calorie content in there. As the morning wears on, I'm starting to feel a little hungry. But what the hell, I just might lose a little weight.

And the worst is yet to come. This evening I get to drink SUPER LAXATIVE. I'm thinking of setting up a cot in the bathroom 'cuz this stuff is so powerful that I will be completely cleaned out. I will no longer be full of shit, at least for a day.

And I'm doing this so that some guy, who I still haven't even met, gets to bend me over and slide his optic fiber cable up my ass for a look around. If he finds anything like a polyp, out it goes. If he finds cancer, I'm thrown into the hospital for emergency surgery. If he makes a mistake! And perforates my colon! I get immediate emergency surgery!! I'm not stressing over this at all. Probably shouldn't even be thinking about the stuff like I mentioned above.

This will be good for me. I will get a day off work and will go home to nap in the afternoon knowing that my guts are clean and pink, and that there is nothing for me to worry about. Hmm, I wonder if he'll remodel my asshole while he's down there. I wouldn't mind getting rid of those other signs of aging.

Random matches

This weeks free association. You say ... and I say ...

1. Order :: Mess


2. Mortician :: Death


3. Determine :: Figure out


4. Ignore :: Mean person


5. Guy :: Girl


6. Crush :: Smash


7. Garlic :: Mmmmmmm


8. Wacky :: Fun


9. Parent :: Pain


10. Burning :: Pain

Must think about this.

Labyrinth

I had meant to post an HNT photo. Maybe it is better that I forgot the file at home. Instead, I'll post a picture of a labyrinth. I like labyrinths. First walked one almost two years ago. If you can clear your mind and simply concentrate on the rhythm of your walking and the path you're following you can find peace and tranquility. It does work. You arrive at the center and sit down with a clear mind and just feel. I could sure use a labyrinth right now. My brain is going a tad too fast and a bit unfocused.

Free Association

Found this list of words at http://subliminal.lunanina.com/. The word on the left is what is provided. The word on the right is the first word that comes to mind in response. By responding in this way, I might recall suppressed memories and thoughts that could illuminate my path. Let's see if it works.

1. Found ::
Discovered

2. Male ::
Female

3. Spoken ::
Quiet

4. Life ::
Death

5. Tonight ::
Sex

6. Fingernail ::
Scrape

7. True ::
False

8. Give up ::
Yes

9. Shining ::
Dull

10. Everywhere ::
Universe

For some reason I got stuck on "Spoken". Nothing popped out of my head so "quiet" may be sort of made up. The "Give up :: Yes" thing kind of bothers me. I suppose it indicates that depression still rules. But, then again, the "Tonight :: Sex" pair seems to indicate that I have a little optimism left. Other than those, I seem to focus on opposites. That's kind of Taoish, something that I've been reading a lot of lately. I can see that I'm going to have to get much better at this if it is going to be helpful.

Victim?

Yes, I am seeing a psychologist. The tests came back yesterday. I am NOT psychotic. That's the good news. I'm just depressed because of a poor self-image. This requires an attitute change, apparently. I need to get my values in line with my accomplishments. How did this happen; that I have never felt good about my accomplishments in spite of a successful career?

It seems it started early. Over the course of the last few weeks I've been trying to pull up memories that may have significance in shaping my feelings/thoughts. This one came back. When I was 6 years old I remember a man holding my hand and leading me into the alley behind my house. Somehow I found myself on my knees in front of him. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his erect penis. I had never seen one like that before. I remember staring at his penis as he held it in my direction. Then all of a sudden, it was like I was underwater, looking up at the sun shimmering through the waves. The next thing I remember is walking out of the alley by myself. I felt so guilty and I remember being really scared that my father would find out and he would think I was a bad person. It was, somehow, all my fault. To this day those feelings remain.

The psychologist said the underwater image came from my "disasociating". Basically, I totally checked out mentally from anything that was going on physically and I will probably never be able to recall exactly what happened. He emphasized that I need to reflect on this until I realize that I was a VICTIM, and not a bad little boy. That man raped me! As disturbing as this memory is, it feels good to finally, after 50 years, get it out in the open. Yes, this was the first time I told anyone about it. And then, last night, I told my wife. I really appreciated her reaction.

First Depression

The first time I was depressed occurred when I was in college. I had been seriously dating a woman for nearly 2 1/2 years when she ended the relationship. I started doing dumb things like dating people I didn't really care about just to show her it didn't matter, etc. But I was in total denial about the effect the breakup had on me.

The summer after, I wound up in Santa Barbara, CA studying marine biology at the university. One night I had decided that it just wasn't worth trying any more and bought a gallon of cheap wine. I intended to drink the whole thing and if I lived through it, it would be a sign that MAYBE I should keep trying. At the time I was sharing an apartment with 5 other people. All of us were there for the marine biology program and threw in together. It was the sixties and I'll leave it to your imagination what it was like there in the evenings.

Less than one fourth of the way through the bottle an attractive woman my age showed up and started talking to me. I had never seen her before but everyone else seemed to know her. We talked and I kept drinking. I had already told her about my intentions for the gallon of wine. We had been talking for a bit and I had probably gotten through about a third of the gallon when she suggested that we go for a walk on the beach. Sure, I said, but she would NOT let me bring my wine with me. So, we set out to the beach.

It was a very dark night, but there was a plankton bloom going on and you could clearly make out the waves because the disturbance caused the plankton to flouresce in this bright blue-green color. It was really cool!

All of a sudden she said she wanted to go swimming and see if the plankton would flouresce around her. So, she ripped off all of her clothes (it was the sixties) and ran and dove into the water. I could follow her by the flourescent trail she left behind. I had to try that! Ripped off my clothes and ran and dove in. I had my hands out in front of me and it was amazing how the flourescence lit up my hands and arms as I slid through the dark water.

I popped up immediately next to my companion. Her skin still had some sparkly spots from the plankton. I guess I did too. Both of us reached out at almost the same time to touch each other's skin only to discover that as we caressed each other's skin we left a glowing blue-green trail behind. Have you ever seen a breast glow blue-green in the dark? Have you ever seen a very hard penis glow blue-green in the dark? We wound up making a great deal of flourescence on the beach. I no longer felt depressed, I didn't touch the bottle of wine when I returned to my apartment. I never saw her again. Is this why stories of angels begin?

I Ching

I've been using the I Ching for many years whenever I want to contemplate a path to follow. I threw one tonight with the thought "How to escape depression". The translation that I am currently using calls the hexagram I threw "Long Lasting". In other translations it has been called "Duration" and "The Long Enduring". Every hexagram has a Judgement/Decision and most have Commentaries from later authors such as Confucius. There is also an image/symbol.

Decision
Long Lasting.
Prosperous and smooth.
No fault.
Favorable to be steadfast and upright.
Favorable to have somewhere to go.

Part of the Commentary of the Decision (I've been pretty free about what to include)
Be gentle and in motion.
The firm and the gentle respond.
This signifies Long Lasting.

Long Lasting brings success; there is no fault.
It is favorable to be steadfast and upright.
This indicates that Long Lasting accords with the Tao.
The Tao of Heaven and Earth is long lasting; it never ends.

It is favorable to go somewhere.
An end is always followed by a new beginning.

Contemplate the Tao of Long Lasting,
To see the nature of Heaven and Earth and of all things.

Commentary on the Symbol
The union of Thunder and Wind.
An image of Long Lasting.
In correspondence with this,
The superior person stands firm without changing aim.

I think this hexagram sends a pretty clear message. Remain focused on what I want to accomplish and move steadily toward my goal. The theme of "Just Keep Doing" is reinforced here. The power of the Tao is with me. This is encouraging.

Moments of Our Life

From the "Tibetan Book of the Dead":

"The moments of our life are not expendable,
And the possible circumstances of death are beyond imagination.
If you do not achieve an undaunted confident security now,
What point is there in your being alive, O living creature?"

What this says to me is "Get out of your depression NOW so that you can enjoy life you have while you still have it!"

The premise of the book is interesting. If you truly understand the consequences of death, life takes on more meaning.

I'm going to work on this.

Just Keep Doing

Happiness is elusive right now. I've been fighting depression. While I can feel the progress, I still have to keep telling myself to "just keep doing" things. It is still too easy to just blow things off. Depression is strange that way. It seems to be self generating in that once it gets started, you stop doing things, and then you get more depressed because things don't get done.

Taking pictures of flowers makes me happy.

Why am I starting a blog? I've been lurking around the blog community for some time. It's amazing the incredible range of stuff you can read about. I truly wonder about the motivation of some people to post the stuff they do. There is also so much of what is "human" out there, people sharing their lives to what appears to be, for the most part, a caring readership. So here I am. I'm not counting on people reading, but if you are, welcome. I'm not counting on sympathetic posts, but at least, please, no nasty ones. Maybe if I remain disciplined to post regularly, it can become part of my cure.