Victim?

Yes, I am seeing a psychologist. The tests came back yesterday. I am NOT psychotic. That's the good news. I'm just depressed because of a poor self-image. This requires an attitute change, apparently. I need to get my values in line with my accomplishments. How did this happen; that I have never felt good about my accomplishments in spite of a successful career?

It seems it started early. Over the course of the last few weeks I've been trying to pull up memories that may have significance in shaping my feelings/thoughts. This one came back. When I was 6 years old I remember a man holding my hand and leading me into the alley behind my house. Somehow I found myself on my knees in front of him. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his erect penis. I had never seen one like that before. I remember staring at his penis as he held it in my direction. Then all of a sudden, it was like I was underwater, looking up at the sun shimmering through the waves. The next thing I remember is walking out of the alley by myself. I felt so guilty and I remember being really scared that my father would find out and he would think I was a bad person. It was, somehow, all my fault. To this day those feelings remain.

The psychologist said the underwater image came from my "disasociating". Basically, I totally checked out mentally from anything that was going on physically and I will probably never be able to recall exactly what happened. He emphasized that I need to reflect on this until I realize that I was a VICTIM, and not a bad little boy. That man raped me! As disturbing as this memory is, it feels good to finally, after 50 years, get it out in the open. Yes, this was the first time I told anyone about it. And then, last night, I told my wife. I really appreciated her reaction.