- Order :: Mess
- Mortician :: Death
- Determine :: Figure out
- Ignore :: Mean person
- Guy :: Girl
- Crush :: Smash
- Garlic :: Mmmmmmm
- Wacky :: Fun
- Parent :: Pain
- Burning :: Pain
Must think about this.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Random matches
This weeks free association. You say ... and I say ...
Must think about this.
Must think about this.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Labyrinth
I had meant to post an HNT photo. Maybe it is better that I forgot the file at home. Instead, I'll post a picture of a labyrinth. I like labyrinths. First walked one almost two years ago. If you can clear your mind and simply concentrate on the rhythm of your walking and the path you're following you can find peace and tranquility. It does work. You arrive at the center and sit down with a clear mind and just feel. I could sure use a labyrinth right now. My brain is going a tad too fast and a bit unfocused.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Free Association
Found this list of words at http://subliminal.lunanina.com/. The word on the left is what is provided. The word on the right is the first word that comes to mind in response. By responding in this way, I might recall suppressed memories and thoughts that could illuminate my path. Let's see if it works.
For some reason I got stuck on "Spoken". Nothing popped out of my head so "quiet" may be sort of made up. The "Give up :: Yes" thing kind of bothers me. I suppose it indicates that depression still rules. But, then again, the "Tonight :: Sex" pair seems to indicate that I have a little optimism left. Other than those, I seem to focus on opposites. That's kind of Taoish, something that I've been reading a lot of lately. I can see that I'm going to have to get much better at this if it is going to be helpful.
- Found :: Discovered
- Male :: Female
- Spoken :: Quiet
- Life :: Death
- Tonight :: Sex
- Fingernail :: Scrape
- True :: False
- Give up :: Yes
- Shining :: Dull
- Everywhere :: Universe
For some reason I got stuck on "Spoken". Nothing popped out of my head so "quiet" may be sort of made up. The "Give up :: Yes" thing kind of bothers me. I suppose it indicates that depression still rules. But, then again, the "Tonight :: Sex" pair seems to indicate that I have a little optimism left. Other than those, I seem to focus on opposites. That's kind of Taoish, something that I've been reading a lot of lately. I can see that I'm going to have to get much better at this if it is going to be helpful.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Victim?
Yes, I am seeing a psychologist. The tests came back yesterday. I am NOT psychotic. That's the good news. I'm just depressed because of a poor self-image. This requires an attitute change, apparently. I need to get my values in line with my accomplishments. How did this happen; that I have never felt good about my accomplishments in spite of a successful career?
It seems it started early. Over the course of the last few weeks I've been trying to pull up memories that may have significance in shaping my feelings/thoughts. This one came back. When I was 6 years old I remember a man holding my hand and leading me into the alley behind my house. Somehow I found myself on my knees in front of him. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his erect penis. I had never seen one like that before. I remember staring at his penis as he held it in my direction. Then all of a sudden, it was like I was underwater, looking up at the sun shimmering through the waves. The next thing I remember is walking out of the alley by myself. I felt so guilty and I remember being really scared that my father would find out and he would think I was a bad person. It was, somehow, all my fault. To this day those feelings remain.
The psychologist said the underwater image came from my "disasociating". Basically, I totally checked out mentally from anything that was going on physically and I will probably never be able to recall exactly what happened. He emphasized that I need to reflect on this until I realize that I was a VICTIM, and not a bad little boy. That man raped me! As disturbing as this memory is, it feels good to finally, after 50 years, get it out in the open. Yes, this was the first time I told anyone about it. And then, last night, I told my wife. I really appreciated her reaction.
It seems it started early. Over the course of the last few weeks I've been trying to pull up memories that may have significance in shaping my feelings/thoughts. This one came back. When I was 6 years old I remember a man holding my hand and leading me into the alley behind my house. Somehow I found myself on my knees in front of him. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his erect penis. I had never seen one like that before. I remember staring at his penis as he held it in my direction. Then all of a sudden, it was like I was underwater, looking up at the sun shimmering through the waves. The next thing I remember is walking out of the alley by myself. I felt so guilty and I remember being really scared that my father would find out and he would think I was a bad person. It was, somehow, all my fault. To this day those feelings remain.
The psychologist said the underwater image came from my "disasociating". Basically, I totally checked out mentally from anything that was going on physically and I will probably never be able to recall exactly what happened. He emphasized that I need to reflect on this until I realize that I was a VICTIM, and not a bad little boy. That man raped me! As disturbing as this memory is, it feels good to finally, after 50 years, get it out in the open. Yes, this was the first time I told anyone about it. And then, last night, I told my wife. I really appreciated her reaction.
Monday, April 23, 2007
First Depression
The first time I was depressed occurred when I was in college. I had been seriously dating a woman for nearly 2 1/2 years when she ended the relationship. I started doing dumb things like dating people I didn't really care about just to show her it didn't matter, etc. But I was in total denial about the effect the breakup had on me.
The summer after, I wound up in Santa Barbara, CA studying marine biology at the university. One night I had decided that it just wasn't worth trying any more and bought a gallon of cheap wine. I intended to drink the whole thing and if I lived through it, it would be a sign that MAYBE I should keep trying. At the time I was sharing an apartment with 5 other people. All of us were there for the marine biology program and threw in together. It was the sixties and I'll leave it to your imagination what it was like there in the evenings.
Less than one fourth of the way through the bottle an attractive woman my age showed up and started talking to me. I had never seen her before but everyone else seemed to know her. We talked and I kept drinking. I had already told her about my intentions for the gallon of wine. We had been talking for a bit and I had probably gotten through about a third of the gallon when she suggested that we go for a walk on the beach. Sure, I said, but she would NOT let me bring my wine with me. So, we set out to the beach.
It was a very dark night, but there was a plankton bloom going on and you could clearly make out the waves because the disturbance caused the plankton to flouresce in this bright blue-green color. It was really cool!
All of a sudden she said she wanted to go swimming and see if the plankton would flouresce around her. So, she ripped off all of her clothes (it was the sixties) and ran and dove into the water. I could follow her by the flourescent trail she left behind. I had to try that! Ripped off my clothes and ran and dove in. I had my hands out in front of me and it was amazing how the flourescence lit up my hands and arms as I slid through the dark water.
I popped up immediately next to my companion. Her skin still had some sparkly spots from the plankton. I guess I did too. Both of us reached out at almost the same time to touch each other's skin only to discover that as we caressed each other's skin we left a glowing blue-green trail behind. Have you ever seen a breast glow blue-green in the dark? Have you ever seen a very hard penis glow blue-green in the dark? We wound up making a great deal of flourescence on the beach. I no longer felt depressed, I didn't touch the bottle of wine when I returned to my apartment. I never saw her again. Is this why stories of angels begin?
The summer after, I wound up in Santa Barbara, CA studying marine biology at the university. One night I had decided that it just wasn't worth trying any more and bought a gallon of cheap wine. I intended to drink the whole thing and if I lived through it, it would be a sign that MAYBE I should keep trying. At the time I was sharing an apartment with 5 other people. All of us were there for the marine biology program and threw in together. It was the sixties and I'll leave it to your imagination what it was like there in the evenings.
Less than one fourth of the way through the bottle an attractive woman my age showed up and started talking to me. I had never seen her before but everyone else seemed to know her. We talked and I kept drinking. I had already told her about my intentions for the gallon of wine. We had been talking for a bit and I had probably gotten through about a third of the gallon when she suggested that we go for a walk on the beach. Sure, I said, but she would NOT let me bring my wine with me. So, we set out to the beach.
It was a very dark night, but there was a plankton bloom going on and you could clearly make out the waves because the disturbance caused the plankton to flouresce in this bright blue-green color. It was really cool!
All of a sudden she said she wanted to go swimming and see if the plankton would flouresce around her. So, she ripped off all of her clothes (it was the sixties) and ran and dove into the water. I could follow her by the flourescent trail she left behind. I had to try that! Ripped off my clothes and ran and dove in. I had my hands out in front of me and it was amazing how the flourescence lit up my hands and arms as I slid through the dark water.
I popped up immediately next to my companion. Her skin still had some sparkly spots from the plankton. I guess I did too. Both of us reached out at almost the same time to touch each other's skin only to discover that as we caressed each other's skin we left a glowing blue-green trail behind. Have you ever seen a breast glow blue-green in the dark? Have you ever seen a very hard penis glow blue-green in the dark? We wound up making a great deal of flourescence on the beach. I no longer felt depressed, I didn't touch the bottle of wine when I returned to my apartment. I never saw her again. Is this why stories of angels begin?
Saturday, April 21, 2007
I Ching
I've been using the I Ching for many years whenever I want to contemplate a path to follow. I threw one tonight with the thought "How to escape depression". The translation that I am currently using calls the hexagram I threw "Long Lasting". In other translations it has been called "Duration" and "The Long Enduring". Every hexagram has a Judgement/Decision and most have Commentaries from later authors such as Confucius. There is also an image/symbol.
Decision
Long Lasting.
Prosperous and smooth.
No fault.
Favorable to be steadfast and upright.
Favorable to have somewhere to go.
Part of the Commentary of the Decision (I've been pretty free about what to include)
Be gentle and in motion.
The firm and the gentle respond.
This signifies Long Lasting.
Long Lasting brings success; there is no fault.
It is favorable to be steadfast and upright.
This indicates that Long Lasting accords with the Tao.
The Tao of Heaven and Earth is long lasting; it never ends.
It is favorable to go somewhere.
An end is always followed by a new beginning.
Contemplate the Tao of Long Lasting,
To see the nature of Heaven and Earth and of all things.
Commentary on the Symbol
The union of Thunder and Wind.
An image of Long Lasting.
In correspondence with this,
The superior person stands firm without changing aim.
I think this hexagram sends a pretty clear message. Remain focused on what I want to accomplish and move steadily toward my goal. The theme of "Just Keep Doing" is reinforced here. The power of the Tao is with me. This is encouraging.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Moments of Our Life
From the "Tibetan Book of the Dead":
"The moments of our life are not expendable,
And the possible circumstances of death are beyond imagination.
If you do not achieve an undaunted confident security now,
What point is there in your being alive, O living creature?"
What this says to me is "Get out of your depression NOW so that you can enjoy life you have while you still have it!"
The premise of the book is interesting. If you truly understand the consequences of death, life takes on more meaning.
I'm going to work on this.
"The moments of our life are not expendable,
And the possible circumstances of death are beyond imagination.
If you do not achieve an undaunted confident security now,
What point is there in your being alive, O living creature?"
What this says to me is "Get out of your depression NOW so that you can enjoy life you have while you still have it!"
The premise of the book is interesting. If you truly understand the consequences of death, life takes on more meaning.
I'm going to work on this.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Just Keep Doing
Happiness is elusive right now. I've been fighting depression. While I can feel the progress, I still have to keep telling myself to "just keep doing" things. It is still too easy to just blow things off. Depression is strange that way. It seems to be self generating in that once it gets started, you stop doing things, and then you get more depressed because things don't get done.
Taking pictures of flowers makes me happy.
Why am I starting a blog? I've been lurking around the blog community for some time. It's amazing the incredible range of stuff you can read about. I truly wonder about the motivation of some people to post the stuff they do. There is also so much of what is "human" out there, people sharing their lives to what appears to be, for the most part, a caring readership. So here I am. I'm not counting on people reading, but if you are, welcome. I'm not counting on sympathetic posts, but at least, please, no nasty ones. Maybe if I remain disciplined to post regularly, it can become part of my cure.
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